Statue of Liberty Auctioned Off, pays for 2% of Bush’s wars

As the price of utility fees like electricity sky rocket, U.S. Congress has called for cuts to what they deem as useless spending. Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, says, “Some things are important for the nation’s future, such as ensured security through stationing troops all around the world, and tax cuts for the rich, I mean all Americans, in order to encourage economic growth. However, other things, such as healthcare, and other non-essential functions that the U.S. government performs can be cut.” In a typical Republican Uni-partisan action, a proposed bill called EGP, or eliminate government programs, has a projected 13 billion dollars in savings, which will be used to fund additional wars or tax breaks.

One important part of the bill calls for the scrapping of the Statue of Liberty, citing the fact that it has now lost much of its original purpose. According to Congress, the Statue of Liberty no longer represents the mood of Americans. Also, in a statement to the press, Congress says, “Most Americans don’t want immigrants. We don’t want your tired, your poor, or your masses. We just want your money, your products, and your offshore bank accounts. Also, considering the fact that the only merit it has left is as a tourist attraction, we believe that there is no reason to keep it. We should simply tear it down into careful pieces, and auction off parts of it to the highest bidder.” In fact, one of the most hotly debated sections of the bill are about the precise starting auction price of the pieces.

The starting auction price was a subject of incredibly contention. The torch, the symbol of hope for new immigrants, currently has a selling price of 4.7 million dollars. However, Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader, argues that it’s worth far more. He says that considering the fact that hope is something that all companies will treasure, he believes that it has a selling price of at least 77 million dollars. He also argues that the body, currently put at 13.2 million, is way over priced. “No one will buy it for that price. It’s just a hunk of green stone. Maybe at 10 million dollars though.” Even before the bill has passed, furious pre-bidding has occurred.

The current auction book looks something like this-

Torch- The torch symbolizes liberty enlightening the world. Bought by General Electric with the profit it makes from government subsidies and poor working conditions in factories oversees.

The Crown: This is supposed to symbolize the 7 seas and continents. Bought by a group of defense companies in the service of the U.S. to represent the fact that they have equipment stationed in 7 continents and 7 oceans.

The Tablet: This symbolizes a nation based on laws. This has been bought by Goldman Sachs and other banks. Also, Halliburton joined the agreement when it dropped out of bidding and agreed to split the tablet in half. It is reported that the banks will glue paper bills to the tablet.

Sandals: Sandals symbolize the fact that the U.S. is always progressing. It has reportedly been bought by a group of oil companies with the aid of powerful PAC’s and lobbyists.

Robe and Ankle Chains: These symbolize liberty and freedom that everyone deserves. It has been bought by clothing corporations who maintain inhumane working conditions in overseas businesses.

Breaking Study Reveals Benefits of Internet Censorship

Today, a breaking study done by the American Efficiency Institute (AEI), reveals that contrary to popular belief, internet censorship of certain sites can produce massive benefits to a nation’s economy. The report cites the fact that nations with internet censorship such as China and other countries are often very resistant to outside influence, and in the case of China, has a booming economy. As written on the 2^nd page of the report, “America may be the land of the free, but it is also the home of the lazy, sports/love obsessed, and gossip queens. China on the other hand, is the epitome of 21^st century efficiency.”

To quote AEI head researcher Sue Do Niem, “The benefits of internet censorship have never really been explored. They have been cast in a negative light, while they can actually prove extraordinarily beneficial. Think about it logically, with all the trash sites around the internet fraught with ridiculous conspiracy theories, tidbits of small news that seeks to distract people from real crisis, and simply incredibly useless stories that have no importance whatsoever.”

Niem continues, “You have the motivated, hardworking, and diligent Korean worker who endures hardships and actually produces stuff, while living in a world of censorship. On the other hand, you have the typical lazy American worker watching You tube clips about laughing cats or flying dogs. And people wonder why nothing is made in America.”

However, opponents of Internet censorship have been quick to point out that America was still the world’s largest economy. When they were informed of America’s 15 trillion dollar deficit, they laughed saying, “Where did you see that?” Afterwards, a poll taken of approximately 5,000 of these people revealed stunning facts. none of them used the Internet for productive purposes.

In a case study done, 50 Chinese workers from the same background with internet censorship, (meaning they cannot access sites like WenXueCity) against 50 identical Chinese workers who did have these ridiculous websites, the 1^st group was 422% more efficient. When this was changed to 50 Chinese Workers against 50 American workers, especially when there were no hopes of bonuses, the Chinese Workers happened to work nearly 16.4 times faster.

Ron Paul- Washington Outsider or Reality Outsider?

Ron Paul’s foreign policy has been described as shear lunacy, impossible, unfeasible, utterly insane, impractical, catastrophic, and unrealistic. One of his proposals requires us to spend 1 trillion dollars on a time machine and rewind ourselves back to 1776, in order to return to the constitution. In fact, just this past Wednesday on February 15^th, 2012, Ron Paul supporters have emerged from their anti-establishment hideouts across the U.S. to hold their annual constitution worshipping event. Recently deceased family members from Ron Paul supporters have had inspirational phrases from over 200 years ago inscribed on their grave stone. Here are some of them:

–        “Give me liberty or give me death.” Roger Jolly, age 35 and a hunting and gun-rights enthusiast, recently died after his neighbor, another Republican, quarreled with him over birth control, and in the dead of night, his neighbor used a fully automatic rifle and shot Jolly.

–        “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”- Anonymous, age 39, a blue-collar worker who was run over by a rich banker chauffeured limousine. The banker’s defense was that the worker was 5 inches off the sidewalk, and that he got in the way of the banker’s liberty and pursuit of happiness.

–        “We the people of the United States of America, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, whatever comes next, and I’m too lazy to do research.” –George Sanchez, age 16, died after overdosing on marijuana and 24 hours of Modern Warfare 3. During social studies class, whenever he was asked to defend his opinions, he said the constitution. This preceding quote was taken from his research paper about the importance of the constitution.

–        “I cannot tell a lie.”Anonymous, age 89, died of a heart attack. He started off life as a used-car salesman, before entering the lucrative financial world where one never lies.

Ron Paul, in a speech, promises a return to 1776 if he is elected: “If elected, I will return America to all its glory of being a puny, upstart nation. I will provide state of the 1776 healthcare for everyone. I’ll make sure that there is no racial discrimination that Southern leaders of that time would have thought to be too extreme. I’ll tax everyone the way our forefathers intended to. And I’ll return our standard of living to that of 1776.”

Nation Gets Together To Celebrate the Actions of Past Presidents

This year, on February 20, 2012 Americans once again took a day off to commemorate the actions of past presidents. Jerry Thomas, an African American worker, has said, “With all the amazing actions of past presidents such as our nation’s forefathers counting African Americans as 3/5^th of a person, we people of today sure deserve a day to celebrate this.” Also, others have loudly proclaimed their support for president’s day, saying that as a nation, the U.S. has an amazing civil rights history. Historian Racie S. Thompson hailing from Alabama stated, “We first started our proud history of civil rights when Andrew Jackson protected the Native Americans from extinction by telling the Cherokee to go on a nice walk to a large reserve.  We soon followed this up by providing valuable job opportunities and skill training for African Americans. We even offered them excellent incentives that never involved them being dragged to a tree and hung in the dead of night. We even set up special camps for German citizens of the U.S. during WW I and the Japanese in WWII to protect them from angry mobs. Haven’t you read any of the inspiring poetry written? After that, we supported legitimate dictators in South America who calmly reasoned with people with differing opinions. Today we are celebrating this, since our presidents have determined our nation’s proud racial heritage.”

War time historian Andy Bindam says, “In the Vietnam War, we helped civilians move on to a better place, we helped cut the overgrown trees by burning them down, we gave a neutral nation a beautiful fireworks presentation by firebombing them, and showed 10 year olds magic tricks, which happened to include lighting them on fire. We invaded Iraq to make sure that it wouldn’t slowly degrade to the stone age as if it was being bombed by an incredibly powerful array of fighters and bombers. After all, it was totally Iraq’s fault for letting U.N. inspectors in, opposing Al Qaeda, and actually cooperating with the U.S. Also, I don’t understand why everyone is so upset with Guantanamo bay. It’s basically like a place where they teach you yoga, and play nice music for you. In fact, when you’re tired of the music, they’ll even give you days of silence. Our presidents have done so much when they \\didn’t need to, and today we really should remember this.”

Others have been quick to point out that other than a few racial spats; the U.S. has done quite well. Bob Willford, a New York native, has said, “Let’s trace our history. In the Revolutionary War, we burnt down the country side, and we destroyed property without paying it back. Oh, that’s just an isolated incident. And we only shot a few abolitionists back in the 1800’s. Wait, never mind what I just said. However, we peacefully resolved that conflict through talking matters over, careful deliberation, and compromise. What? The election of a president led to an entire nation breaking apart, and causing deaths in the hundreds of thousands? God, we have bad presidents.”

Sarah Davis, an aide to President Nixon, says that we can’t blame the president, and that we need to take pride in our president’s political system: “There has been little political infighting between President and Congress. It’s not like Andrew Jackson and Congress were at odds ever since his election. It’s not like presidents have ever lied to us about anything. I mean there’s no such thing in our nation’s history as trying to quell political dissent, arrest people with differing opinions, controlling the flow of information, hiding crucial facts about weapons of mass destruction, or anything of the like. It’s not like the president can’t break a complete gridlock in Congress by moving to the center of things. It’s not like the president can’t actually do anything because the entire nation is looking for a chance to insult him!”

Majority of World’s Problems Caused by Gym Class

Today, the Grand Institute of Michigan released a report saying that 78% of the world’s problems were caused by gym class. The report detailed a series of personal consequences such as memory loss, IQ drops, broken bones, impaired hearing and vision, and more than quadrupling the risks of heart attack. Even more devastating consequences include the depletion of the ozone layer, ecological disasters, and nuclear warfare.  One part of the report stated that, “Because of a lack of a strong base in core concepts necessary for success in a modern world since gym class occupied too much time, American students fall further and further behind in subjects like math, technology, literature. For example, high school students in France are able to speak in a haughty accent at a 12^th grade level, while Americans can only do it at a 9^th grade level. Students in England often graduate with an advanced tea appreciation level. Finally, students in Asia are able to graph a sine curve by the time they are 13, and can perform computations at the rate of 100 American students. We estimate that gym class has cost us about 300 trillion hours in wasted time, and the U.S.’s competitive edge.”

Head researcher Charles Rerot, 36 years old and a graduate from Stanford University, has said, “Without gym class, we would already have cures for at least 50% of the types of cancers prevalent today. With increased time, we could have easily developed cheap and easily transferable vaccines, not only eradicating many diseases around the world, but also stabilizing the world’s medical industry. We would have developed clean energy and water sources, eliminating a key reason for a possible WW III. Oh, imagine where we could be now, without that cursed gym class.” After his outburst, Rerot collapsed, and was immediately sent to the hospital, where it was later discovered that he had a stroke. His last words reportedly were, “If only we didn’t have gym class, there would have been the technology to save me.”

However, members of the influential Foundation for Fitness have been quick to attack. Proponents of gym class have argued that it improves the sportsmanship of its participants. Foundation Chair, Noel Josephs, repeatedly says:”The fine display of sportsmanship from our hockey players clearly demonstrates that Americans have excellent sportsmanship. I mean, with gym class, impressionable young Americans learn to forget about all past friendships, and focus on beating the opposing team, whether it involves legally or illegally incapacitating or decapitating them.”

Michelle Lawrence, a member of the Gym Class lobbying group, has provided additional arguments in favor of gym class. “Gym class leads to better fitness and fewer injuries. Without gym class, there would be thousands of torn tendons, broken knees, strained backs, twisted wrists, sprained ankles, pulled hamstrings, injured groins. But thanks to the conditioning gym offers, comparing the number of injuries to the total number of people that ever lived quickly yields a figure that is only slightly higher than 1%.”A list of crises and reasons gym class had to do with”

The nation is split about whether it wants to continue gym class or not. Many flawless and perfectly clear arguments were posted by dozens of high school debate captains, while football and hockey captains grunted unintelligible phrases. It is assumed that gym class and sports had nothing to do with the athletes’ general lack of communicative abilities.